who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
