These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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