I'm passing your future prison.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
