Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
