Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
