Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
