So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
