There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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