She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
