He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
