yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
