If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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