either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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