Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
