I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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