Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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