The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I cut my penus on the lid.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
