Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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