I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
