life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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