They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
