I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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