Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Quick, to the slutcave!
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
