Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I need to stop coming to work sober
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
