I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
