Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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