im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
