Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
