I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
