i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
