Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
