I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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