the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
