Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
