i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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