i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Randomize
