hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
