this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
