He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
