I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
