It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
