Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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