i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Randomize
