; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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