We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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