Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
