They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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