I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
