I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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