life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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